Please. For the Love of God. Mind Your P’s, Q’s and Hands.

So this event happened a couple of months ago on New Year’s Eve but it is definitely up there on the list of weird shit I’ve witnessed.

I was on the train after work with a couple of my coworkers and this mid-20s woman took a window seat near me. She was clearly dressed for celebrations and had in tow an oversized handbag that could fit a small child in it resting on the open seat next to her.  A mere minute or two later, a homeless man (and yes I am assuming here) comes stumbling through the connecting door from the next car (Despite the fact this is not allowed, the homeless seem to be quite fond of moving through cars in this way…).

Now, despite there being several open seats on this particular car, this man only seems interested in the seat next to this woman. And you could tell she didn’t want him to sit down.  But he patiently hovered over the seat until she reluctantly caved and moved her bag.  Here.  I made a poor computer drawing of our seating arrangement so you can understand.


Once he settles in everyone goes back to zoning out until I notice out of the corner of my eye this guy is acting kind of funny.  He has his left hand resting under his right leg.  Ok…?  As a rider even slightest abnormal behavior should put you on high alert because people are crazy and you just never know.  So I’m on the alert and as I’m watching him out of the corner of my eye I watch as he slides his hand further under his leg and begins to feel the hem of this woman’s mid-thigh length skirt.


While I am watching this event unfold I keep hoping and wishing this woman would tell him to fuck off or slap him or even merely just get up and move.  She does nothing.  Just sits there and looks extremely uncomfortable.  After a few painful moments of watching her take no action I looked this man square in the eyes and said, “Keep your hands to yourself.”

Immediately after these words left my mouth I had the sudden and horrifying thought that this man is probably mentally unstable and could be capable of doing any number of crazy things including shanking me.  But to my great relief and astonishment he just looked at me, nodded his head and put his hands in his lap. Then got up and moved on to the next car…

It turned out that this woman and I got off at the same stop and as we deboarded the train she said thank you and then we parted ways to ring in the New Year.


So with that, I’d now like to go on a soapbox and encourage all women, as a fellow woman myself, to stand up for yourself.  You don’t have to be polite just because you feel sorry for someone.  In fact I’ve only found that politeness encourages stranger things to happen.  So, for the love of all that is good and holy, let’s take a stand for ourselves!  Don’t put up with bullshit.   Ok that’s my soapbox.

Oh! And this entry has an endnote!  It’s worth mentioning while I was at work a couple days later my male coworker who had been sitting next to me on the train during this told me that when I told crazy man to keep his hands to himself he initially thought I was talking to him and was like “Whoa! My hands are here!” until he realized I was talking to the crazy man.

I was amused.  The end.


Just as my train was nearing my stop and I thought I would get away without an incident, a woman had a seizure on the train.  And while most people in our crowded car looked over with worried faces, it was interesting to see the immediate reactions of those nearest to me.  The man seated next to the afflicted woman leapt out of his seat and shoved those standing to get away.  The woman practically standing on top of me so compassionately muttered, “Oh for the love of God…” and rolled her eyes.  But the man sitting across from the afflicted woman actually took action and helped her up from the floor and sat her back in her seat.  Me?  I stood frozen in panic as a I desperately tried to figure out what would be the best plan of action to take on a moving train submerged underground.  Just where is that button to page the conductor when you actually need it??  Apparently my wilderness medical training is effectively useless in urban transit settings.

While I do not know what ended up happening as I deboarded shortly thereafter, I did hear people voicing opinions on what should be done.   All I can say is I sincerely hope that that woman was able to seek any medical attention she needed and is doing alright now.

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“Heeere’s Johnny!”

While on my commute home from work tonight I had the privilege of boarding another sardine packed train despite it being 10pm.  Why is the Red ALWAYS packed?? Anyway-it was immediately clear who are car crazy was to be as he shouted for everyone to, “Hurry up and get on!”  This crazy wasted no time fervently talking to anyone within shouting distance and at one point I was lucky enough to meet his bloodshot bulging eyes that seemed to snatch a small part of my soul away.  

During my ride with “Bug Eyes” I watched as he tried to schmooze any and every woman polite enough not to completely ignore him or cuss him out.  He was even passing out what I assume to be his pimp cards with pictures of himself on it to these women.  All the while he was trying to coin a new catchphrase because he kept shouting things like “yippity do!” and “heeeere’s Johnny!”

When I could take it no further I put my headphones on and when I deboarded the train I saw him in deeply engaged in a conversation with a woman feigning (I can only hope!) sincere interest is his craziness.  Best of luck to her.  

Well, at least I’ll be able to sleep soundly now that I’ve got my daily dose of crazy. 

An opening anecdote.

After several weeks of contemplation, I have finally created this blog.  I have quite a back-log of stories but we will start with the most recent.  As the Red line is closest to my apt and a major line, most of my stories come from this lovely stink line.

Pt. 1: As I stepped onto the platform of the Red in the bitter freezing cold of February, my almost frozen nostrils were met with the undeniable scent of that skunky goodness.  Now, you must understand that coming across this smell in public places in the city is not uncommon, yet it never ceases to amaze me the boldness of these heroic men and women who fearlessly stare the law in the face with those half-closed glazed eyes and continue to puff away.  Here’s to you, bud!

Pt. 2: Once on the train I couldn’t help notice that the women I was (almost) creepily lurking over was using a couple of Band-aids as a bookmark in what I am most certain was a delightful romance novel.  While I was trying to decipher just what the crazy cover picture was, she made eye-contact with me, causing me to quickly avert my eyes elsewhere before she saw me smirk.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t succeed…Regardless, once she settled back into Fabio I most certainly continued to stare.